You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
