Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
