if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
