dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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