Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
