I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
