the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
