The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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