I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
