please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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