Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
