there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
