there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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