I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
