You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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