Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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