I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
