Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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