found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
