you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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