I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
