I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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