Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
