Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
