I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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