A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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