Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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