the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
