non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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