apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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