The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
