he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
