How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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