My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Soap is not a condiment
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
