I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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