I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
