there's paper in my vomit.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your penis caused this!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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