i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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