Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
