he thought i was a dude.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I could fuck to npr.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
