she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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