Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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