My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
