THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
