So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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