I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
