I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
