I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
