Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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