I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
