can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
