Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
