just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
