At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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