I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
