I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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